I don’t know why but today was exhausting. I miss my dad, I wish he was home to make sense of everything but right now all I have is me. Most days it’s alright to deal with but for some reason I just feel so overwhelmed and helpless. I look at my mom sometimes and my heart just hurts for her. She is such a strong human being, the isolation she has had, the stress of needed to be here for us, make sure we have a house to live in and food on our table at night; just life in general. I wish I could take it all away from her. Take the pain she has so I can deal with it. Sometimes, I have this anger built up towards my sister, I just don’t understand how one person could be so selfish. And thats probably a terrible thing to say, but right now I’m so numb, so hurt and knowing I’ve got literally no one here but me to console me. Nights like tonight make me hate everything. Everything.
And the fact that I spend everyday working to make money, doesn’t help me one god damn bit.

But not really, I am actually happy alone. I mean not in a bitter way, but I can get dressed up and go to school and feel pretty, beautiful and confident without needing a guy there to tell me I am. I think this can be what true happiness is. With school winding down I am getting more and more irritated with everyone’s last hurrah of drama, but something tells me I will miss this when I’m gone.

So I guess I’ll just try to embrace it. Summer’s coming and I feel free, happy, like I don’t need a person to make me smile..

I can just do it because I can.

I love this organic and uncomplicated feeling.

It’s been a week now since the last time that we talked.

We. It seems so long ago.

It’s weird because on a daily basis I am alright, but sometimes I just think about the late night conversations we would have on the phone, about everything. People for the most part are good at not bringing it up, or talking about relationships but it’s not like it would really bother me anyway. What I thought was happiness was a long time ago and it’s just something that I have learned is a part of life. Valentine’s day, oh man, aside from how I feel about that day it was actually pretty special because, despite what shit you tried turning it into, was revived into what I can say is possibly the most memorable February fourteenth I have ever had. I didn’t think it was possible after you.

I sound like a lost and desperate puppy, but I’m not. I’m gonna be alright but I won’t thank you for hurting me, for managing to get me to trust you so much and then crushing every piece of me. Years from now I hope you wonder about me and maybe then realized that did I love you, more than you ever wanted to believe.

I would like to say that this is going to be the last post I make about you, but I can’t promise that just yet. It’s hard to move on when there was no closure whatsoever.